Cold: NB 183 @ 3:42 am

Somber. Alone. Hopeless. That's how I felt on the drive I would take every morning-- earlier and earlier each day-- north on Highway 183. Just thinking of that dark stretch of road brings back the same horrible feelings. I told myself that all of this was for my own good. It was my sense of duty they kept me going. Duty towards something that did not make me happy, something I didn't believe in. If I worked along enough, hard enough, I truly believed that it would finally pay off.

I would listen to up-beat music while on this drive in hopes that it would cheer me up. It never worked; in fact, it only served to make me feel more alone. These musicians probably never dreamed that their albums would be played before sunrise in the car of a lonely 20-something woman driving towards ten to sixteen hours of duty, returning home after the sunset with just enough time to shove a microwave meal down her throat before heading to bed and doing all of this again for six days out of the week. No, these musicians had hoped that these albums would be played by ecstatic drunks at frat parties, or by wannabe rockstars on their way to their own gigs, or by swooning 14-year-old high school girls in their rooms, discussing with their BFFs their school girl crushes on the band members.

I learned that there are very few cars on the highway at that time of morning. Those few cars I did pass help me confirm that, yes, there were other people still alive. I often wondered what these others were doing out at this time. He's driving way too fast, especially for an older man! What's he in a rush to? Perhaps in a hurry to get to the hospital where one of his loved ones was just admitted. This guy looks to bed in good shape... Was he coming home from a night stocker job? She looks very tired and her hair is a mess... Did she stay out at the club until last call, sobering up in her car for a half hour before finally heading home? (I should probably keep a safe distance from her!)

Passing Burnet Road, I would approach a used car lot. Every morning I could see a bight red and blue "OPEN" sign glowing from the window. The first time I saw this I felt a sense of comradeship: There was someone besides me up at this time while everyone else in this town is fast asleep in their beds! Someone else who is not up this early because they want to be, but because they feel they need to be (perhaps even thinking-- as I did-- that if they kept it up long enough that they would eventually truly want to do what it was they were doing)! But as I passed the used car lot it became clear that, despite the sign, the establishment was not actually. As I passed by again and again, morning after morning, I wondered why the sign was on: Did they always leave it on, thinking "What's the harm?" Was it a strange marketing ploy that I was too daft to understand? Or perhaps one morning they forget to turn the sign on yet remembered top turn it of at closing time (thus actually turning it on), beginning an endless cycle of turning the sign off when they open and then turning it on when they close for the day. Someone should really tell them...

Nearing my exit I would pass a church that always had a white banner hanging outside with a nonsensical or goofy statement written on it in black type containing words such as "sweet" and "epic." Ah, trying to target the teens and young adults... Now this type of advertising I understood, but I wasn't convinced that it actually worked. Was there really anyone driving by, disenchanted by religion until they saw the church with the "sweet sign" hanging outside, at which time they though "Ah, they are silly and use slang... Jesus gets me! I'll be checking out that church this Sunday!"? I couldn't imagine that there was anyone who decided to attend that church solely based on such a banner, but what did I know?

Exiting the highway, I would pass a bank. As with most other banks this one had a marquee announcing the time and the temperature. "3:53 am," "37°F"... Nothing that I didn't already know: It was too early in the morning, and it was cold. One morning a different message was scrolling at a seemingly show pace across that marquee. In bright red letters, it seemed to mock me: "WHAT IS YOUR DREAM?"

Images began to flash through my mind: The metal rose I bought at the festival for the person I love. The smile of my crotchety old drawing professor at my answer to one of his questions. The barista behind the counter. The rockstar on stage, wailing on his guitar. The bullfrog I found in the hall in high school which my art teacher had helped me hide in a jar until the day was over and I could take him home. The arrowheads and artifacts on the table at the state college visit my dad took me to. The box of New Wave and Art Rock records that my sophomore English teacher gifted to me at the end of the school year. The eyes of my friend in junior high after I returned from an extended and unexplained absence.

I continued on the drive to my destination, continued the motions of what had become my life, but I still haven't been able to shake those images...

Telling yourself that you want something isn't the same as actually wanting it

I just realized I haven't blogged in over a year... Perhaps it has something to do with the last year or so being so mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.

Several things came to a head about four weeks ago and I realized that I needed to make some changes to my life or everything would keep going downhill. Those changes are in the process of happening now. It's all a bit frightening, but it is what needs to be done.

Forgetting Doorknobs

I really enjoy forgetting. When I first come to a place, I notice all the little details: I notice the way the sky looks... The color of white paper... The way people walk... Doorknobs... Everything. Then I get used to the place and I don't notice those things anymore. So only by forgetting can I see the place again as it really is.

-Narrator, True Stories

But what if when you return to the place they have changed the doorknobs? Because you have forgotten, you will not know that they have been changed. Will you believe that you are seeing the same doorknobs that you saw-- and forgot about-- when you first came to that place?

Or, perhaps, you will see these new doorknobs and a strange feeling will come over you. You are not aware that the doorknobs have changed, but you just feel funny. You see, somewhere-- hidden deep away in some small part of your brain-- is the memory of the original doorknobs, but your consciousness can't grasp onto that memory.

The odd feeling stays with you for a day or two before fading away.

Happ Record Store Day!

In honor of Record Store Day, I am posting about music I own. Again. This time it will be several lists. Yay!

The "things I own that people say are worth a lot, but I refuse to believe that because I bought them for dirt cheap" list:

Spoon - The 'Nefarious' EP

Released in 1994, this 7" was the first official Spoon release. I got it for $7. According to auctions I've seen on eBay, people are willing to spend $100 on this. I enjoy it, and the sleeve makes me happy, so I don't want to sell it even though I'd be making a $93 profit.

Drake Tungsten - Six Pence for the Sauces EP

Drake Tungsten (better known as Britt Daniel, lead singer of Spoon) only had two releases: this 7", and a cassette called Clocking Out is for Suckers. Released in 1996, Six Pence for the Sauces is not pre-Spoon, though it is pre-solo-Britt-Daniel-calling-himself-Britt-Daniel. I got it for $10. I've seen it go on eBay for $25 and more.

Spoon - 'Anticipation' white 7" with silk-screened sleeve

I really don't have much information about this. I am told there were only ever 24 of these made with silk-screened sleeves (making the sleeve, not the actual 7" the valuable thing). If that is true, the $6 I paid for this was a steal. Because I have yet to see another one, I don't know how much this actually goes for. Spoon fans are known to be obsessive hoarders, so I believe it would be more than $6.
UPDATE: Just got an e-mail from the record label that released this. "I put some of the 3rd pressing [the white vinyl] in leftover silkscreened sleeves, so yeah there is only like 24 or so on white in SS'd sleeves," he says. So, yeah... It's kinda rare, but I still don't know what anyone else would pay for it.

Voxtrot - Voxtrot CD-R


Rumor has it that Voxtrot has been around since 2003 (they released their first single in 2004, their first official EP in 2005, and their first full-length in 2006). Back in the long-forgotten year of 2003, they would play shows and burn their music on CD-Rs that were sold in local record stores. Apparently, one of these CD-Rs had the title Just Can't Wait Any Longer, and if you have $50+ to spare to can get it on eBay every now and then. This CD-R that I have (which cost me a whopping $5 at a local record store last year) has one less track than Just Can't Wait Any Longer, and has the song "Long Haul" titled as "Untitled (Demo)", which leads me (and other fans who are cooler than me) to believe it pre-dates Just Can't Wait Any Longer. I may never know the real story behind this, or what any other fan would be willing to pay for it, but I wouldn't have paid more than $10 for it.

Voxtrot - 'Raised By Wolves' 7"

This gets no love [except on eBay where people spend $60 on it]-- Voxtrot's official website doesn't admit the existence of it. (It's okay, because I don't admit the actual existence of Voxtot: they are just a figment of my imagination, just like the town of Cedar Park and the continent of Australia. In fact, Voxtot is made-up band from the made-up town of Cedar Park, which is located on the made-up continent of Australia.) Getting back to the 7": It cost me $3. I don't even known when it was released. I just know that Magic Marker Records released it, and when you buy something from them they include a really nice hand-written thank-you note on an actual page of an old children's book. That makes me happy.


The "things I own that people used to be willing to pay a lot for, but no longer are because of re-releases" list:

Spoon - Telephono (CD)

Spoon's first full-length album from 1996. I paid $8 for this CD. From 2001-ish until mid-2006, people were willing to spend $100-$200 for this CD. I thought about selling it, realized it meant too much to me (really, in 2004, I believed this album to be a reflection of my existence), and didn't. On July 25, 2006, Spoon re-released Telephono and the Soft Effects EP as a "remastered" (which just means "we turned the volume up louder") boxset, and now you can go to used record stores and get the first edition of Telephono on CD for $8 again.

Spoon - Soft Effects EP (CD)

This was released in 1997. It went out-of-print sometime, and people were paying upwards of $75 for it on eBay. I got it as a Christmas gift in high school from my parents, along with the first Kissinger CD (which means that it was 2000 or 2001), because they knew I liked "cool local bands." (I'd like to think that they called Andy Langer and asked him what they should buy for me.) I know good and well my parents didn't spend more than $7 on a CD with only five tracks.


The "things I own that other people wouldn't pay much for but I cherish dearly" list:

Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (LP), signed

This makes me happy every time I look at it. I've heard a few people (online) say that Britt Daniel is a douchbag "IRL," but all of the [3? 4?] times I've talked with him in person, he has been a really cool, nice guy. The last time I talked with him in person, he (and the rest of the band) signed my Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga LP. I like how he signed it: "Heather, you rule." It's because I was dancing, and he likes it when people dance to his music.

Uh, I guess that's more of a single item than a list...

In which TastyPrawn uses a magazine article to reflect upon herself and probably reavels a little too much in the process.

Recently (Sunday evening) I was reading an article in WIRED magazine about Jill Price, a woman who (supposedly) cannot forget anything... She has a perfect memory.

Here's a link to the article online: Total Recall: The Woman Who Can't Forget

By the end of the article, it becomes apparent that this woman does not possess a perfect memory. It describes how she only excels in recalling dates of television shows, disasters, and things relating to her own life. It suggests that she remembers her events and dates in her own life so well because she keeps extensive journals. The woman also mentions that she once had a scan of her brain done, and the only abnormal thing the doctor noted about it was that there was some resemblance between her brain and the brain of a person who suffers from OCD.

By now, you are probably asking yourself, "Why is TastyPrawn typing about this? I just want another funny story about Heath and Erik!" Hold on... I'm getting to my point.

This article resonated with me. You see, I often remember dates a little too well... And I used to have the tendency to get really peeved when someone didn't remember something I could recall so well. (It wasn't actually pointed out to me that my memory was in anyway abnormal until just two years ago. Up until then I genuinely thought that everyone-- or at least most everyone-- remembered as I did.)

In fact, here I was reading this article on the eve of the day that five years ago I... Well, what happened is pretty dull or unimportant, but I realized that it was about to be five years ago to that date.

The following sentence from the article hit home:

"Price has spent her whole life ruminating on the past, constructing timelines and lists, and contemplating the connections between one February 19 and the next."

Well, shit, that's pretty much me. Do you want to hear about how, excluding 2008's, the past five May 26ths have been similar? How about how the second Saturday in December was eerily similar, event-wise, in 2004 and 2005? No, no you don't. But if you did, I could tell you (if I feel like it).

Another part of this article struck a chord in me: Jill Price's extensive journals. I used to do this. I was mad journaling from 2004 until Friday, June 8, 2007 at 3:11 pm. I just suddenly stopped there. It's not even a good stopping point-- there is no closure. The entry begins with "I hate memories," and ends with "And that, right now, is my biggest regret."

The funny thing is I don't actually remember writing what I did, but I do remember coming home from work, taking some pills, turning on some Voxtrot (their self-titled LP, though I was only listening to the tracks "Kid Gloves," "Firecracker," and "Easy," over and over...), and crying that day, around that time.

So, why the hell did I stop journaling? And does that have anything to do with the lack of coincidence in my life these days? (There still are some, but no where near as many as there were during the goddamned years 2004 through 2006, and the coincidences that happen now are certainly not big enough to convince me of the existence of the supernatural anymore.)

I'm going to go ahead and blame all the craziness of my life during 2004-2006 on obsessive journaling. The normal* life I lead now is a result of me giving up the obsessive journaling. At least I can forget now. And, quite frankly, I enjoy forgetting.

*Some would say I now lead a dull life. I say so be it. At least my Saturday nights no longer consist of me going emo-crazy in a dirty stall in a live music joint with a broken A/C system downtown and/or getting drunk out of my mind, puking everywhere, crawling into a shower, lying down, and praying to god for "a sign."

A work of fiction: PEOPLE AS PLACES AS PEOPLE

(I actually wrote this while bored at work some time in 2007, but I'm posting it now because I figure it's still relevant.)

This is a story of two sisters. The eldest was named Leander, the younger Cedar Park. Retarded names, but whatever, the two sisters were really close to one another. At the beginning, neither were that popular, though Leander out-shone Cedar Park exponentially. If someone were to refer to Cedar Park, they had to add "Leander's litter sister" at the end, otherwise no one would understand who they were talking about.

The future didn't look that bright for Cedar Park. Her grades in her classes were never that good, especially compared to Leander's. She also had less friends than Leander. But this didn't seem to bother her at all. She just went on her merry way, proud to be Leander's younger sister.

Some years ago, things unexpectedly began to change. Suddenly, Cedar Park was the popular sister. "Leander," people would ask, "Who's that?"

"Cedar Park's older sister."

"Oh... She has a sister?"

Cedar Park enjoyed the popularity. Maybe a little too much, because she began to let it go to her head. She began to brag and boast about how special she was, how everyone now wanted to be close to her (this included CapMetro, who she dumped years ago, but who recently began hanging around her again), how everything she did and owned was better than that of anyone else.

Leander was bothered by all of this. Why had she been forgotten? What was so fucking special about Cedar Park, anyway? Especially with this attitude, why were people still flocking to her? It saddened Leander that she and Cedar Park were no longer as close as they used to be. It was like they were no longer sisters, but rivals.

Leander tried her hardest not to let her disappointment show. "If I just hang in there," she told herself, "everything will straighten out. Cedar Park's boisterous attitude will backfire on her, and surely someday people will pay attention to me again."

"Someday."

Bands/artists that I have complete discographies for

I'm a completest. For the sake of this list, "complete discography" means all officially released studio albums... But for many (most) of these artists, I have even more than that.

The Action Is/hotwheels jr.
Beirut
Belaire
The Boy Least Likely To
David Byrne
Dewato
The Duckhills
Franz Ferdinand
Ghostland Observatory
Gorillaz
The Handsome Charlies
Household Names
Kissinger
Ben Kweller
Led Zeppelin
ok city ok
Pink Floyd
The Real Heroes
The Shins
Spoon/Drake Tungsten/Britt Daniel
Stone Temple Pilots
Talking Heads
Toadies
John Vanderslice/mk Ultra
Voxtrot
Zero 7

Uhhh... I'm probably leaving some off.

I've pretty much given up on getting all of Brian Eno's stuff. He has too much, and a lot of it is out of print.... But I do have a very sizable chunk of his stuff.

Don't ask me why I do it, because I don't know. I'm pretty sure this is a sign of something bad.